Ever try writing about something you only know the basics to and have yet to walk very many steps in ?
Anyone that knows me knows I am a recent convert so suddenly having a character pop in my story whose biography is written (yet their story untold) has left me feeling a bit like pulling my hair out at times.
Yet looking at her or rather the idea of her it just feels completely logical.
I figure that learning her story will help learn my new chapter at least the basics.
Why overwhelmed you might be wondering..
Have I mentioned I am currently doing two book challenges and their are only a small number of cross overs? Desiring to take on a third. Plus, I have a life, I am also trying to downsize my apartments contents, [while putting all my books into a spread sheet so i can keep better track] going through some serious cognitive therapy to deal with my bi polar, depression and other mental illness, trying to get on to writing, memorize the Quran and learn Arabic, get back into my physio training so i can get back some of my mobility and deal with a very messed up personal life.
All the while trying to keep myself stable... I honestly have no idea how I end up with so much that i want to do and have going on but there you have it.
A dear friend of mine blew me away slightly tonight going on about how honored he was he was in my life.
" but you seem to have a thirst for everything, music, art, history... everything. Most ppl go through their lives never even trying to reach like you do. Never really exploring what's out there. I am so completely fucking honored to have you in my life"
I found it sweet but at the same time kinda threw me off.
What most people don't realize is that I don't have a lot of control over the things that I take on.
As I told him " I'm bi polar It helps because it gives me the courage to take on so much.. take on too much actually. I get overwhelemed a lot which ends in mini break downs and then I have to collect myself pick myself up and divide the task and start again. I do it but its never easy. It helps becasue I have no control over it. I see something interesting and its like new shiny and I dive in head over feet - im that way with everything. the only way to stop is to lose interest and thats rare for me."
Its my life.
I would rarely change it, but there are days, when battling mental illness and being disabled is just too hard and just for a moment, I would do anything to be like anyone else.
To be able to say, "oops I'm out of cream I'm going to run to the corner and pick some up" with out calling my best friend to help, would be absolutely amazing.
Or just something as silly as being able to walk across a room with a mug of coffee - in my favourite mug instead of a travel mug with a lid for safety and mobility reasons.
But most of the time, I know, that it makes me a better person, and i get to see the world differently then most people do.
I see a lot of value in that sometimes.
Of course when I am in tears and angry because some ass is abusing his power to be a jerk or someones responsibility to be accessible or at least post something when they are not then I admit I am human and have a very angry moment and come just short of looking up at god and thinking why me.
Short of.. because that is something I already know the answer to.
Allah does not give us a task he does not know we can bear.
I try to remember that.
Some days are easier then others.