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I was doing so much better after going to see the dr.. despite what utter crap that turned out to be.. then I had a really fun day out and now its the big crash that I should have known was coming.
I honestly don't know how long I can keep doing this before something gives but of course they didn't want to hear that because it meant they would have to actually do something helpful so instead I have to try to figure out a way to not walk off a short fucking pier.

I've some how managed to stick with the reading challenge and focus on that as much as I can so its giving me something.

Im sitting here thinking that I might change my living room around just a little - the only thing I don't like is it means that I would be sitting in front of the guinea pig cage unless I move that to the other wall and I am not sure how smart that is. 

If nothing  else it does mean that the chair for the desktop is not stuck behind the rocking chair.. but where I would be able to put that with out the cat using it to break something is the issue. Both walls have breakables that the chair would allow her to reach..

Dammit.

There goes moving the living room around - at least til i figure that out. Or she gets lazy and turns into something less of a trouble maker and I don't see either of those happening.
Not really to much to say lately. Bit of writing so now i have 4 ideas on the go. I have to write an article that however is not going so well.
Book challenge is falling behind because i got introduced to two games.. but I beat one twice today so I think i am good for awhile.
Got rid of the toxic relationship now its just trying to sort out what to do with myself.
My uncle passed away from his battle with cancer.
I never really knew him but its kinda weird for me.. esp considering i have tog go and get all my texts done to make sure that i dont have it myself *sigh*

Blah. time for bed. sinking into bed reading a few chapters and passing out.

Writer's Block: Obama drama

How do you think President Obama is doing so far? If you're an American citizen, would you vote the same way (whether for or against)? If you're not, what's your take on Obama's performance? Did his State of the Union address sway your opinion in any way?

I'm not an American citizen but if I was  I'd say exactly what I say now, any American (or non for that matter) who thinks Obama can undo what that big dumb monkey screwed up in eight years in one is a fucking idiot who should not be allowed to vote, or work in anything that matters until they have been properly educated and brought up to speed on the real world or shot.

I think he's the best thing to happen to that country in a LONG time and they should stfu let the man have his turn to try to fix some of whats wrong with it and quit expecting it all to be okay tomorrow. I mean fuck if you can give what 8 years to a big dumb monkey you can give 4 to a smart man.

writing again

Things are slowly starting to change, on top of the fact I have been rather yuckie and suffering from too much acid in my tummy with has left both ends of me unhappy for days.
I think i have rounded the bend.. I better have.

I was reading more about how i could improve my writing and a site I used to frequent was mentioned, so i made a new acct there and I am going to try it out.

H2G2 I loved it before but I don't know I just fell out of it. 
But maybe this time now that it serves a bigger purpose I will stick it out and enjoy it more.

I have already put up on piece - a bio piece of a fictional character from a popular series. Just something light and fun to start.
I have a few pieces forming in the back of my mind.

I found a free software program linked from a site i was reading yesterday supposed to help you write or practice it.
You can get one liners to work with or time yourself with it.
Its a cute free little program.
It gave me an idea just typing away in it that I am running with. Different from everything I have ever written so we shall see how it goes.

I am also still plugging away on my book challenge tho not as much as I should be I admit.
There's still too many things getting in the way for me to focus as much as I'd like.
A relationship that needs to end officially tho it pretty much has. - my desire for a potential partner that matches me and my search for one
And i spent all that time prepping for a family visit in case it didn't get canceled and it got canceled.

Ah well.. at least right now its just me and my coffee cup.

Now if someone would just find a way to keep me off facebook, and playing that damn bejeweled game.

Writer's Block: Forever young?

If you were forced to live forever at any age, what age would you choose, and why? What if your memories stopped at your chosen age? How would that impact your decision?

I'd choose right now, I've lived long enough to have enough memories and recently stumbled upon some of the most happy in recent times so what better time then the present to stop the clock. Im also at that perfect place between getting ID'd all the time and being old enough to buy anything for over a decade and some LOL

Fan Fiction: TBBT

My brief scene that is going to open up an alternative story line. First time: Be Gentle lol.


(Beginning Scene)


Okay, so he didn't always understand people and he rarely caught onto sarcasm but at least he was starting to understand her, right?

All Penny found herself wanting the last few months was for Sheldon to see her, as her, not Lenard's ex girlfriend, not as the girl next door, not his Tuesday dinner waitress at the cheesecake factory but as Penny his friend.

She had finally gotten that. More then that if you looked at the big picture she was the friend and wolerwitz was the acquaintance. Wow, she wasn't sure how but she was counting her blessings.

Sheldon Cooper, was not someone with whom just anyone made into a friend, hell Howard invested years into what he thought was a friendship and look where it got him.

Granted knowing Howard, Penny didn't blame Sheldon.
Even after all this time it was hard to not give an involuntary shudder when Howard opened his hole.
But he had gotten better since she had punched him for trying to kiss her.

Ugh, time for some happy....

(Knock...)
"Penny..."
(Knock...)
"Penny..."
(Knock...)
"Penny..."

"Hi Sheldon.." Said Penny smiling, as she opened the door.

"Penny, as you know Tuesday is cheeseburger at the cheese factory night..every Tuesday you bring me my cheeseburger making sure no one touches my food.. But you weren't there.." Said Sheldon barely taking a breath.

Penny moved aside.. Sheldon comes in taking the non verbal cue she had spent several weeks training him to pick up on, unknown to him of course.

"Sheldon honey, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you I had to swap shifts this week I had an audition, it couldn't be avoided"

"But it's Tuesday, Tuesday is chees.."

"Sheldon, have you eaten yet?" Said Penny with a sudden idea.

"Aren't you listening, you weren't there, I couldn't eat, how would I know no one touched my food?"

Penny smiled and pulled him out of the apartment by his sleeve.. "Let's go Sheldon."

"Do I get my cheeseburger now?" Asked Sheldon as they got into the car.

"Yes, Sheldon" said Penny slightly exasperated.
Another non verbal teaching idea to add to the list she thought.

"Did you know that in the United States alone 25 million horses supplied most local transportation in 1900had about the same number of cars just three decades later." rambled Sheldon.

"Penny, what was your audition for?"

"Wha.. Uh..a part playing an office assistant sweetie" said Penny shocked that Sheldon had bothered to ask.

" Before the typewriter was invented in the 1800s secretarial staffing jobs were mostly done by men, when the typewriter came to be and world war I broke out woman took over."

"Hmm.." Replied Penny watching the road as Sheldon rattled on next to her..

Walking into the restaurant Penny scanned the room Lenard and the guys were seated in the usual spot.
Sighing softly she followed Sheldon to the table.

"...Oh, you guys are already eating?" said penny a bit surprised
Yeah.. we tried to get Sheldon just to order and eat but he says he can't be sure no one is touching his food and it had to be you back there to be sure.. the manager tried to tell him that he would make sure they wore gloves but you know how he is.. replied Lenard in between bites of his burger.

Awwe... cooed Penny quickly biting off the rest of her reply before anyone could catch on to what she was thinking.

cheeseburger -- bacon, barbecue sauce and cheese on the side, I will be right back with your dinner sweetie.

Penny could see the shock in her managers face as she entered the kitchen but she was in no mood to have to sit down and explain this too him. The only thing she wanted to do was to get Sheldon his food and sit down for awhile. She needed some time to think.

Progress had been made today, small progress but with Sheldon even small sent her real-ling and she had to have some time to process it.

Moments later Penny slipped on her gloves and carefully put Sheldon's burger on the plate just the way she knew he liked it.
She had no idea how, but if no gloves were worn then he knew.. weird.
She loved that boy, but he was a serious wackadoodle.
Here you are Sheldon cheeseburger -- bacon, barbecue sauce and cheese on the side said Penny placing the plate in front of him.


Penny was just about to get Lenard to scoot over so she could fall into her usual seat when Sheldon slipped over so she could be next too him on the bench..


The table stopped and stared.

What? replied Sheldon innocently looking up from his plate. You are already next to Wolowitz so its not like you can make the bench bigger, and there is no invisible expansion so logically I would need to move so penny could sit down.

Penny melted slipping next to Sheldon she cooed "thank you sweetie, that's very kind of you."
The guys slowly stopped staring and went back to their food.

Something was changing and Penny knew it, she wondered if Sheldon did too.
It was a safe bet that the guys didn't. It had pretty much taken years, picture drawing and a trip to the Arctic for Lenard to get that she was interested in him.


(end of scene 1)

a small update

I realized yesterday it is VERY hard to write about a place you have never physically been to and where there is not a lot of good stable information that allows you to write a free flow piece into a book you're writing.
Mine being The Yangzhou Mosque

My library has nothing but they have nothing on just about everything its what happens in a city such as this. Low population most often means sucky library.

But at least I am back to trying to write more that's at least something.

5 books are read and ten more on the go for the years book challenge.
Added to the fact I am trying to clean my house from top to bottom before my family is supposed to be here for their night stay. with any luck they will cancel and decide its best to mail my gifts and come at another time and just never come.

May not happen that way cuz the step father gets mad at her for canceling and they fight but who knows maybe I will get lucky.
I was hoping to catch a web lecture on the Sat/ Sunday morning but that's not going to end up happening if they are here.

I've also had a screwed up sleep schedule that has left me feeling exhausted and out of it.

I can not wait for next week to be over.



shoulda stayed friends.

I haven't blogged in awhile there hasn't been much to say. 
Other then hoping against hope that tests im going to have to go in for don't come back as cancerous.
Not fun.
But Im determined to not freak out unless I am given reason to.

The on and off relationship I seem to find myself sucked into again is just not ever going to work out.

Every time they get better he does something so idiotic that I just want to tell him to go walk off a short pier.

And I did that pretty much last night, just before I hung up on him again.  I havent bothered to reply to anything this morning. I honestly can not be bothered.

So instead I read the rest of my book - The Drowned Book - Bahauddin (the father of Rumi)
Amazing.

I have now a list of pages numbers with the quotes I want to recall before I take it back to the library..
3 of the 4 books Ive finished  in the last 3 weeks have been for my book challenges.. One was an extra because I completely forgot I ordered books in the mail.

I have a stack here of 4 that  belong to  the one Im avoiding, plus one I have already read. I need to get on that so I can give them back.
One less thing hanging over my head when things inevitably end.. again. For the last time.

I think Im going to have to do what I did with the other chris when we split.. delete all contact info.. that way we can't talk.. and  i can't miss him and end up back where it all started.

we get along and we make great friends but you bring up anything else into and i want to kill him. its not supposed to be like that.
Some people just make better friends - thats just all there is to it.

 

its one big train wreck..

Well my plans are killed for the next while.  Being as my on/off again partners daughter has come home from a friends house with lice and the house has to be torn apart cleaned and put back together.
You'd think at 18 she'd know not to share hats. brushes especially after she just ended a co-op placement where she ended up with lice like every bloody 2 wks.

So by default our plans get killed because they have to deal with the daughter.  I'm okay with that because honestly the way we became "we" again was not planned but more of a bulldozed effect.  By bulldozed I mean Me. I completely did not realize he was taking things in the context he was until suddenly he announced publically we were "we" and i was all AH fuck!

I mean really, what could I do about it then when everyone's all dancing around happy again. fuck fuck fuck.

I figure I'd let it play out a little maybe i'd be pleasantly surprized.
So far, nope not, but its been nothing earth shattering either.

He knows theirs regret on my part about us ending up in the "we" category again we discussed it last night. He didn't ask why and I didn't tell him.
I didn't tell him that I've had it for months - in a way I can not explain. The only time I didn't was when I had walked away. But that was then I missed  him greatly and wished I could just talk to him.

I know what it is, and its why I know that this will never work.

He's in love with me, but to me he's my best friend and I can not make it more then that regardless of how hard I try.

Not a good situation to be in at all.

bookstuff and disabilities.

I am going to end up overwhelmed.. wait for it LOL.

Ever try writing about something you only know the basics to and have yet to walk very many steps in ?
Gosh..
Anyone that knows me knows I am a recent convert so suddenly having a character pop in my story whose biography is written  (yet their story untold) has left me feeling a bit like pulling my hair out at times. 
Yet looking at her or rather the idea of her it just feels completely logical.
I figure that learning her story will help learn my new chapter at least the basics.

Why overwhelmed you might be wondering..
Have I mentioned I am currently doing two book challenges and their are only a small number of cross overs? Desiring to take on a third. Plus, I have a life, I am also trying to downsize my apartments contents, [while putting all my books into a spread sheet so i can keep better track] going through some serious cognitive therapy to deal with my bi polar, depression and other mental illness, trying to get on to writing, memorize the Quran and learn Arabic, get back into my physio training so i can get back some of my mobility and deal with a very messed up personal life.

All the while trying to keep myself stable... I honestly have no idea how I end up with so much that i want to do and have going on but there you have it.

A dear friend of mine blew me away slightly tonight going on about how honored he was he was in my life.

" but you seem to have a thirst for everything,  music, art, history... everything.  Most ppl go through their lives never even trying to reach like you do. Never really exploring what's out there. I am so completely fucking honored to have you in my life"

I found it sweet but at the same time kinda threw me off.

What most people don't realize is that I don't have a lot of control over the things that I take on.
As I told him " I'm bi polar It helps because it gives me the courage to take on so much.. take on too much actually. I get overwhelemed a lot  which ends in mini break downs and then I have to collect myself pick myself up and divide the task and start again. I do it but its never easy.  It helps becasue I have no control over it. I see something interesting and its like new shiny and I dive in head over feet - im that way with everything.  the only way to stop is to lose interest and thats rare for me."

Its my life.
I would rarely change it, but there are days, when battling mental illness and being disabled is just too hard and just for a moment, I would do anything to be like anyone else.
To be able to say, "oops I'm out of cream I'm going to run to the corner and pick some up" with out calling my best friend to help, would be absolutely amazing.
Or just something as silly as being able to walk across a room with a mug of coffee - in my favourite mug instead of a travel mug with a lid for safety and mobility reasons.

But most of the time, I know, that it makes me a better person, and  i get to see the world differently then most people do.
I see a lot of value in that sometimes. 
Of course when I am in tears and angry because some ass is abusing his power to be a jerk or someones responsibility to be accessible or at least post something when they are not then I admit I am human and have a very angry moment and come just short of looking up at god and thinking why me.

Short of.. because that is something I already know the answer to.
Allah does not give us a task he does not know we can bear.
I try to remember that.
Some days are easier then others.

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